What's Doing

Right, we’re off gallivanting around the country for the next few days so the lights are going to go a little dimmer here at Whats Doing. To keep you amused I would like to leave you with this photograph which I have called "Man Boobs Do Not Contain Food";

Folks, if you know your SoBig.F from your MsBlast stop reading now. Go and say hello to Scaryduck. Alternatively, if you don’t use Windows on your computer then this probably isn’t much cop either.

Everyone else, listen carefully. After spending an hour or so on the phone to the 70’s throwback last week, and discovering that one of my machines had been infected by a nasty little virus I thought I would bring you "Andy’s Guide to a Stress Free Internet Life". If you don’t ever connect to the internet then you can’t read this, so don’t complain. Alternatively, adopt some of our top tips for top folks and make your online life so much nicer. Here we go;

1. Learn how to install and, more importantly, uninstall, software on your computer. Sadly there isn’t a convenient guide to this anywhere, most people learn by bitter experience. The only words of wisdom I can share are to know what you are installing and to keep a written (on paper) record of what you did to install a piece of software and what answers you gave to the series of questions posed during installation. Its amazing how many people will just download any old .exe from the interenet and then double click on it. Do you know what its going to do? Do you really trust the place you got it from? (this is probably the most important question to ask yourself) Do you have a friendly tame technology savvy friend/acquaintance/relative to sanity check what you are doing? Its your computer. If you break it no one else has to fix it.

2. Don’t read your mail using Microsoft Outlook or Microsoft Outlook Express. All of those nasty internet viruses and worms you hear about are designed to cause as much trouble as possible. Consequently they target the most popular software. Its also helpful that there are a few security problems with these tools (that don’t look like getting fixed any time soon) that a reasonably intelligent nine year old can use to really make your life interesting. You can immediately reduce your potential for infection by not using them. Contrary to popular belief these are not the only tools you can use to read your email. Google lists another fifteen possible options on this page. My personal choice is Thunderbird but that may be a little too "leading edge" for most. If you’ve been paying attention then you shouldn’t blindly download one of these and trust to luck. Do a little research (remember Google is your friend) or just download Eudora if you trust me.

3. Get some anti-virus software. Most new computers come with Norton Anti-Virus installed. Which is great until the thirty day evaluation period runs out and they want to start charging you. Then it gets switched off and its open season for malicious little nasties. There are free alternatives, I run AVG and its just as good as the paid alternatives. There is no excuse not to run an anti virus scan of your computer every couple of weeks or so.

4. The internet can be a scary place, get yourself a rubber mac. Or, failing that a nice firewall. The firewall du jour is Zone Alarm. This stops anyone on the big bad net connecting to your computer and doing anything without your consent. If you have a broadband connection this (or a similar program) is a must. Even if you only connect to the internet by phone you can still be subject to some interesting violations. A decent firewall will stop these.

5. Use Ad-aware. Even if you do take all of the other precautions I’ve listed here there still is the possibility that you can catch a nasty disease. Just because a file you download ends in "mp3" doesn’t mean that it is Hawkwind’s finest work. Periodically running ad-aware will pick up anything that you have inadvertently picked up that hasn’t been discovered by the other tools I’ve mentioned.

The best defence though, is knowledge. Even casual road users need to know their highway code and use an appropriate vehicle. Well kids, the internet isn’t any different and a little light reading every now and then will pay off. At the very least your ISP should provide you with valuable information via their customer service facilities. For instance, here is some good information from Virgin.net.

Here endeth the lesson. The Prefab Sprout love in will recommence shortly.

According to this day in music the number one record on the day I was born was "Those Were The Days" by Mary Hopkin. There goes even more of my street cred.

Luckily, they also tell you what was number 1 in the USA on the same day as well. In my case it was "Hey Jude" by the Beatles. Phew, some cred regained.

Go on, check your own and leave a message in the comments.

Sadly for my son and heir his two slices of pop joy are "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce and, er, "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce. I shall remedy this with a continuation of his musical education when I get home tonight. Our next lesson is entitled "The most underrated singer-songwriter in Britain" and focusses on the work of Mr Boo Hewerdine.

Reason number 22 to love broadband – live race timing from The Official Formula 1 Website. Sweet.

The 70’s throwback and Jonny Palmer can eat my technological dust.

I’ve been very quiet. I did have a great post planned and half written in my head, but I’ve been looking after the boy all afternoon. It was such hard work I only got to occasionally glance at the rugby and the cricket. I completely missed the formula 1 qualifying and any hope of touching a keyboard was right out of the window.

Son willing, I’ll be more productive tomorrow. Until then I’ll have to consign myself to some catching up with what I’ve missed on the intarweb and the knowledge that I can hum "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" whenever I’m in the company of my brothers-in-law (all three of them).

The lyric of the day is;

"I’ve six things on my mind, you’re no longer one of them."

Can you guess which album its from? There are a further two points on offer for the track name.

Surely it can’t be true, I’m not turning into Jimmy "jewels, jewels, jangle, jangle" Saville, am I?

Excuse the diversion away from our usual content. I’ll be back with more wibbling later.

Ever since O level economics, where we studied the common agricultural policy (CAP) and the general agreement on trade and tariffs (GATT) I’ve been of the opinion that trade subsidies are a bad thing. I’m not an out and out free market fan, but with this editorial and this new blog I think the nice people of the Grauniad may have a point. Lets abolish argicultural subsidies and I’ll have my money in cash thanks.

Of course, the chances of triumphing over entrenched special interests are slim, but that shouldn’t stop us trying.

Is this the finest album ever?

I rather think so.

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. Its now a whole year that I’ve been married to my beloved.

Its customary to celebrate these occasions and far be it from me to dissapoint. Romance is generally the name of the game, and dinner, dancing and fine wine the order of the day.

To show my wife how much I treasure our time together I’ve organised a very special day. We’re off to the Middlesex Sevens at Twickenham.

Blender magazine in the states has recently published a list of the fifty worst artisits in popular music. You can’t argue, the artists on the list are responsible for some of the worst music ever committed to vinyl (or plastic). Not a single redeeming feature amongst any of them.

Especially not that bunch of self indulgents at number 21.

My only disagreement is that the wailing French bint didn’t make it any higher, surely they could have found a spot in the top ten for her? Mind you, the Doors could probably be promoted up the list as well, not least for being the subject of that awful Oliver Stone film.

[As featured on the the best radio show in the world.]