Lest you think I’m not doing anything, I’m actually knee deep in a program to reverse engineer an Oracle schema.
Meanwhile, and not totally coincidentally, I’m beginning to resemble Bob from Teachers. The most common phrase I’m mumbling as a wander around the office at the moment is “and the horse you rode in on.”
But that’s just me.
Don’t diss Bob from Teachers; he is truly the greatest. He’s a gigantic biomechanical tubby Buddha running on pure emotion, or, to quote a fellow coworker, “hatred and envy”. He’s totally at one with everything, and he lets his wife sleep around. He’s devoted to his job, and has all kinds of nuggets of wisdom which he helpfully throws out constantly, like:
“Fuck you!”,
“You fucking fuckers!”,
“A fucking fucker!”,
“Fuck off!”,
“In fact, she’s probably chewing on his earlobe as we speak!” and
“You fucker!”
Am I the only Bob fan on the Web? Or even the Internet? Or perhaps even the entire solar system? It’s impossible! Bob is the glue which holds the show together! Just watch the episode where Bob’s gone; then you’ll see. He’s so hardcore he came back in a cart strapped to the back of a bicycle. Bob! Bob! Bob!
He’s the man who suffers all, and always bounces back, packed with lipids. Bob is, frankly, the Leopold Bloom of our postmodernist, poststructuralist and postmoralist generation; his wife is cheating on him and his job is complete shit (though admittedly Bloom of Ulysses fame doesn’t smell, I’m willing to bet that Bob’s dad committed suicide. Actually, that would explain quite a lot) and Bob can handle it all! He’s even able to pack in a root canal op amongst his rabid after-school activities! He stands up for himself and is never lacking anything to say. He doesn’t grass anyone up ever and has made a totally cool nest out of his office. Did you know that he once produced a mouldy cake for an interdepartmental report? The guy is the absolute limit!
A greater genius than he has never existed, and almost certainly never shall. I was shocked – horrified – when I found out that Bob is generally only visible in around ten to twenty percent of each episode of Teachers – if we’re lucky! Why are Kurt and Simon, while equally funny, given up to four times as much screen time as Bob? The situation is utterly ridiculous! We’re talking about the person who’s doing the most to “keep it real” at Summerdown School; the man spent half of the third series living out of his car and fucked two hot birds in one episode! How many can honestly say that they’ve done a school secretary and a barmaid in the space of a week? Not many, let me tell you! Bob is a sex machine!
Bob transcends our pathetic cycle of Samsara. He is truly karmic, cosmic and pragmatic, challenging slackers’ dogma whether he waddles. He’s entirely capable of wearing clean shirts, doesn’t smoke, is fully able to have a laugh and leaves gifts of underwear in cool places for Clare and friends to find. He is truly an English icon. Western culture salutes you, Bob, for you are our king!